Mumbai woke up today to discover that the city’s drainage system has officially applied for sick leave. With roads resembling rivers and commuters resembling reluctant swimmers, citizens demanded that surfboards be included in office attendance policies. HR departments, however, clarified that “wet signatures” do not count as proof of presence.
Railway officials cancelled trains after landslides blocked tracks, but insisted that “passengers are free to swim parallel to the route.” Meanwhile, office workers reported being asked to log in via Zoom while floating on inflatable tubes. One employee complained: “My Wi‑Fi drowned before I did.”
The civic body announced a new initiative: “Adopt a Raindrop.” Each citizen is encouraged to take responsibility for one raindrop, though critics argue this is just another way to outsource accountability. Meteorologists, meanwhile, confirmed that the monsoon is India’s most punctual service, arriving exactly on time to ruin plans.
Despite the chaos, officials reassured the public that Mumbai remains “fully functional as an aquatic theme park.” Entry is free, but exit requires a snorkel. Citizens are advised to carry umbrellas, surfboards, and resignation letters in equal measure.
